Qantas To Pay $90 Million Fine as 3,376 Billion Frequent Flyer Points Redeemable on Any Flight Between Townsville and Kabul, Between Jan and Feb 2047

White House Recognises Palestine After Starving Orphan Dons an Armani Three-Piece

Productivity Roundtable Finds Nation’s Efficiency Hit Record Lows After David Pocock’s Shirtless Instagram Posts

Erin Patterson Sentenced to 20 Years of Listening to Podcasts About Herself

Local Gym Teacher Enjoying All The Attention He’s Getting From English Faculty Today For Some Reason

Bob Katter Threatens To Punch Ancestry.com Results for Saying He’s Lebanese

Highlighting The Risks: The Surgeon General Is Adding A Graphic Photo Of A Guy Who Got His Penis Caught In A Zipper To The Front Of Every Pair Of Pants

Take Care Of Yourself: 4 Boundaries To Set With Your Fetus

These Days Everyone Wants To Take Ozempic To Lose Weight Instead Of Putting In The Hard Work Of Exclusively Eating Subway For Years (by Jared Fogle)

Damn, Leave A Little Pussy For The Rest Of Us, Cowboy: This Man Is Completely Wood Tick-Free

Another Security Failure: Jeffrey Epstein Has Once Again Been Discovered Dead From An Apparent Suicide In His Prison Cell

3 Hidden Easter Eggs In Taylor Swift’s Engagement Post That Prove She Is Planning To Get Married

Progress: This Sorority Makes Pledges Sit Naked On A Laundry Machine And Writes ‘Beautiful’ On Any Parts Of Their Body That Jiggle

Safety FTW! Uber Is Offering Discounts On Rides To The Police Station To Report A Sexual Assault By An Uber Driver

Eye-Opening: A New Study From The John P. Halworth Institute Found That Anything Sounds Legit When Accompanied By Some Guy’s Name

5 Secret Techniques That Make Getting A Blowjob Fly By

Not Fooling Anyone: Trump Clearly Had A Bunch Of Fluid Pumped Into His Body To Make His Ankles Look Proportional

Brave: This Gay Man Just Came Out To His Dad Again As Even Gayer

Cool! KitchenAid Just Introduced A Smart Rolling Pin That Automatically Chases Your Deadbeat Husband Around Town

Laying The Groundwork: By Tweeting In All Caps Like Trump, Gavin Newsom Is Proving He’s The Democrat Best Suited To Be A Writer’s Assistant On ‘Our Cartoon President’ If It’s Ever Rebooted

Trump Angry Not A Single Visiting European Leader Wearing Lederhosen, Tiny Hat

Travis Kelce Receives Invoice For Girlfriend’s Podcast Appearance

Fact-Checking Trump On Crime

George R.R. Martin Finally Finishes Writing Sequel To ‘Erin Brockovich’

JD Vance Booed By Own Reflection In Mirror

Poll Finds Americans Still Believe Greatest Threat To Public Health The Undertaker

DHS Offers $1,000 Stipend To Migrants Who Voluntarily Self-Destruct