In a bold new approach to immigration management, the Department of Homeland Security has announced it will offer a $1,000 stipend to undocumented immigrants who choose to self-destruct. According to the satirical report, migrants can easily avoid arrest by downloading the Customs and Border Patrol app, pressing a red button, and after a brief countdown, completing their self-destruction. Secretary of Homeland Security Kristi Noem stated that this method is far more cost-effective than the average expenses incurred by Immigration and Customs Enforcement for deportations.

The article humorously describes the self-destruction as 'fast, discreet, and puts you in control of your own splattering.' Migrants are assured that their $1,000 reward will be directly deposited into their bank accounts upon providing photographic proof of their 'blood and viscera on the ground,' along with a routing number. However, the DHS faces backlash after reportedly failing to pay the promised stipend to any migrants who have self-detonated.