President Donald Trump has claimed that crime is “out of control” in the nation’s capital and beyond. The Onion assesses the veracity of the president’s claims.

Claim: D.C. has endured a record amount of robberies.

Partially true: Some places in Georgetown sell a cup of coffee for $9.

Claim: Chicago, New York, and Los Angeles are crime-ridden cesspools.

False: These cities are safe, vibrant cesspools.

Claim: The National Guard is being deployed to crack down on crime.

False: The National Guard is being deployed to give Stephen Miller an erection.

Claim: Just last week, a high-ranking politician was shot in the head at a D.C. theater.

False: Trump is mixing up last week with April 14, 1865.

Claim: Violent foreigners traveled to D.C. to savagely beat Americans.

False: The UFC fight on the White House South Lawn isn’t until next year.

Claim: Basically anything.

False: “False” continues to be a very safe assumption to make.