Aries, March 21st–April 19th

After a trip to the beach, be the big man and admit Anakin Skywalker was right.

Taurus, April 20th–May 20th

The Welsh have no one to blame but themselves for their drought. They should have saved some of the water from when it rained endlessly during your childhood holidays in Llandudno.

Gemini, May 21st–June 21st

Is there any reason Spider-Man can’t use a hoverboard like the Green Goblin and take the most direct route instead of swinging around with webs?

Cancer, June 22nd–July 22nd

You’re struggling to understand polyamorous relationships. Wouldn’t you mostly fancy the hottest one?

Leo, July 23rd–August 22nd

That sign saying ‘Watch for falling rocks’ was a boring waste of a weekend.

Virgo, August 23rd–September 22nd

‘Yorkie – it’s not for girls’ suggests eating a chocolate bar is manly. You can’t see these delicate truck drivers lasting in the Royal Marines.

Libra, September 23rd–October 22nd

Impress barbecue guests this weekend by cooking a baked Alaska.

Scorpio, October 23rd–November 21st

Stop sharing your relationship dramas. Turn them into hit songs and albums instead!

Sagittarius, November 22nd–December 21st

Worry less about what to wear by going out with Kanye West.

Capricorn, December 22nd–January 19th

Jason Statham says in a film, ‘I’d like to offer you a position – permanently disabled!’ Shakespeare might have written lines like that if he’d watched Transporter movies.

Aquarius, January 20th–February 18th

Don’t pigeonhole yourself as a cat or dog person. Add a Honduran White Bat to the mix!

Pisces, February 19th–March 20th

Spice up your Jobcentre Plus interview by shouting, ‘I didn’t sign on for this!’