The coming global conflict which will devastate the world cannot settle on exactly where to begin, it has admitted. 

The hyped new war, a legacy sequel to the two most famous wars in history, has confessed it is feeling the pressure and wants to get it right because you only get to do this once.

The impending conflict said: “Iran, Ukraine, that business with Venezuela, you don’t need to tell me I’ve dragged it out far too long. People are getting impatient.

“Just when I feel like I’ve picked the perfect flashpoint some new location comes up. It’s like Subway, there’s too much choice.

“But wherever I start you’ll be sniping at your half-starved former neighbours from the bombed-out ruin of your home within six months, and that’s a promise.”

Marketing consultant Nikki Hollis said: “The Middle East is too obvious. Nukes are too depressing and hopelessly retro. The novelty of Ukraine’s worn off. Greenland tested badly with anyone who’s done the Arctic levels of Call of Duty.

“World War Two was such a hit – great villain, exotic locations, still a classic – the follow-up’s paralysed with indecision while years go by, like the Fast & Furious franchise.

“Our big advantage is installing a US president so erratic it could start in Vancouver tomorrow and nobody would be surprised. So be ready.”