THE UK has been humiliated on the world stage for not having the same mighty Royal Navy it had a century ago. What are you doing to help out?

Josh Gardner, barista: “I guess I could bugger a matelot or two. That would help morale.”

Norman Steele, game warden: “Can we not, moved by the spirit of Dunkirk, travel to Cyprus in a flotilla of small boats? I personally can lay hands on a swan-shaped pedallo.”

Jo Kramer, solicitor: “Is it that we can’t build aircraft carriers because there are no Royals who aren’t twats to name them after?”

Oliver O’Connor, robot tester: “Yeah, but actually a smaller Navy can be an advantage because it’s harder for your opponent to hit. I’ve played Battleships.”

Emma Bradford, social engineer: “We need an experienced Naval helicopter pilot with nothing to live for to block an incoming missile with his vessel, dying but saving a family. Andrew? The day of your redemption has come.”