A STUPID, unpleasant man is completely unburdened by anxiety, imposter syndrome or any other mental health issue.

Dickhead Wayne Hayes has exemplary mental health because he does not care about others’ opinions of him and is indifferent to the consequences of his terrible actions.

Hayes said: “When I hear about things like burnout or depression, I can’t help but laugh at the losers who experience them. Couldn’t be me.

“Thanks to my high opinion of myself, living with my brain is one long party. Replay moments of shame and failure into the small hours? Nah, I replay all my great moments, hilarious insults and imagine conversations with celebrities where they like me.

“Did you know you can choose not to feel upset or guilty? When you get those twinges, disregard them entirely and they go away. Leaving room for loads better feelings like arrogance and calling Arsenal fans wankers.

He added: “I thought I was sad once, but I just needed to eat a burger. Maybe crybabies should try that.”

Counsellor Helen Archer said: “It goes against all of my beliefs to say this, but everyone would feel better if they were more like Wayne. Unpopular, but happy.”