As former breast-expanding hypnotherapist Zack Polanski’s Greens rise in the polls, we examine what political leaders can do for the size, lift and morale of your knockers: 

Zack Polanski, Green Party – ‘Manifest Cleavage’

This man knows jugs. Like his former clients, he’ll have you close your eyes, breathe deeply and picture your cup size expanding naturally, fuelled by mindfulness, oat milk and carbon neutrality. ‘Your breasts are at one with the Earth,’ he murmurs soothingly. ‘They are rising like sea levels or ethically produced sourdough’.

Keir Starmer, Labour Party – ‘A Serious Plan for Serious Breasts’

Starmer has promised a fully-costed strategy for national uplift and vows growth is at the heart of everything he does. Yet so far his policy on boobs is 45 pages of bureaucracy followed by a slight but noticeable reduction in cup size blamed on mismanagement by the previous administration.

Kemi Badenoch, Conservatives – ‘Hard on Woke, Soft on Support’

You’ll get no soft, cushioned uplift from this tough cookie. She worked hard to get her enviable hooters and so will Britain. Left-wing wokeists have led everyone to believe they’re owed magnificent mammaries from the state. Nonsense. Buckle down and you’ll get the tits you deserve.

Ed Davey, Liberal Democrats – ‘Bounce Back’

The Lib Dems will seek proportional representation for your bazookas, meaning they’ll be sized in a ratio based on your frame and hip size. They’re not interested in helping you get them bigger, though Ed Davey is available to go down a waterslide between a huge pair of inflatable honkers if it will get him on the news.

Jeremy Corbyn and Zarah Sultana, Your Party – ‘What About Gaza?’

An ideological split. Zarah believes you shouldn’t even be selfishly thinking about your own nipples bursting forth majestically when this country is divided by inequality and Gaza is under siege. Jeremy agrees in theory but this nation’s greatest decade, the 1970s, was a time of big ones and he’d take us back there.

Nigel Farage, Reform UK – ‘British Boobs Are The Best In The World’ 

Likes any tits so long as they’re British. Or, in the case of his own domestic life, French. A surprisingly inclusive policy, undermined by every rack he praises being American.