WAKING up with a hangover so dreadful I throw up a kidney which I then have to dive after and swallow back down, I gently sip several gallons of water and allow my delicate system to settle.

But just a few minutes later there is a tap at my door. My outgoing personal assistant enters in order to introduce me to his replacement.

‘Archbishop, may I introduce to you Mr Keir Starmer, who will be taking up my post?’

I utter an unprintable expletive under my breath. The fellow sticks out a paw, which I am obliged to shake. I address the little man.

‘So, I thought you might have some job lined up in the City, or as a consultant to the arms trade?’

‘I’ve tried all of those,’ says Starmer. ‘But they turned me down, on the grounds of serial failure and incompetence.’

‘Extraordinary. Well, we’ll have to see how you shape up. Your first job is to transfer this completed paperwork to the “out” tray on my desk.’

‘Very well,’ says Starmer. However, he then leaves the room only to return with two enormous Union Jacks and poles, which he erects to either side of him.

‘What the heck are you doing?’ I ask him.

‘I am unashamed to demonstrate my patriotism as I deliver,’ he says.

‘Well, are you going to deliver? Do the job you were asked to do?’

‘Er – I’ve forgotten what that was,’ he burbles.

Dismissing him with a kick up the backside, I take a light breakfast and peruse a periodical. Therein I read that incoming PM Andy Burnham has appointed Shabana Mahmood, rather than Ed Miliband, as chancellor, in a move said to have left the City ‘relieved’.

Good grief! Well, thank Christ the City are relieved, because God forbid a Labour government should do anything whatsoever to affect the interests of capital and big finance! I don’t know why we bother with elections when all that matters is constantly appeasing the City, people whose job description is not caring about anything except money! I’ve got a feeling that for all his Britpop-washing, Burnham is gonna be rubbish, isn't he? For the record, ‘I support Everton’ isn’t an adequate substitute for ‘growing a spine’!

FIFA head Gianni Infantino has announced that half-time of the World Cup final will be extended to 25 minutes, with artists like Madonna, Shakira, and BTS performing, along with a rendition of the American national anthem.

Seriously? Half-time is about a plate of oranges and a break, not a cavalcade of pop stars no football fan is in the mood for! Unless they’ve picked a peculiar time to explore K-pop! You are bent on destroying football, and I hope your personal hell consists of being booed and pelted by millions of dead football supporters till the end of time! With Justin Bieber on a permanent loop!

After Ann Widdecombe’s murder, the police have urged people not to add to speculation about the motive or circumstances. Her family have likewise asked for her death not to be politicised.

Yeah, not that that stopped Farage and his army of far-right ghouls and mercenaries in the far-right media, did it? They were on the scene like vultures onto a carcass, speculating like mad! And blatantly hoping the suspect was some sort of left-winger, trans person, or not white. That last one hasn’t panned out as the suspect is very much Caucasian. They must be shedding more tears over that than for Widdecombe!

Finally, England crashed out of the World Cup following their defeat by Argentina, losing by two goals to one.

You know what? Argentina’s bunch of racist-song-chanting shithousers can do one, and I hope they get their butts kicked to kingdom come in the final, but Harry Kane burbling on about playing golf with the rapist and racist Donald Trump didn’t exactly make the England team more loveable! And thanks for making up for it by having zero touches in the opposition box, you lumbering oaf! And why did you accept Wonderwall as the unofficial anthem? I would rather listen to the actual national anthem than that!