The Archbishop of Canterbury, nursing an epic hangover, muses over a recent call with President Trump. Despite past golf club incidents, Trump sought advice on distracting from his military mishaps. The Archbishop cheekily suggested releasing the Epstein files, which Trump agreed to, albeit with a hint of self-doubt about being mentioned in them.

As the day unfolds, the Archbishop rails against Tony Blair for criticizing Keir Starmer on Iran, labeling Blair's past decisions as catastrophic. He then lambasts John Bolton's insensitive remarks on military strategy and school placements.

The piece takes a comedic turn with Morrissey, who canceled a concert due to noise-induced catatonia. The Archbishop suggests Morrissey has been in a similar state since the '80s and advises him to embrace a full coma.

Finally, Joey Barton's legal troubles are highlighted, with the Archbishop relishing Barton's bad day, imagining national celebrations over his misfortune.