The Archbishop of Canterbury, in a tone dripping with sarcasm, wakes up with a hangover so severe that purple liquid sprays from his eyeballs. After firing his assistant, former Prime Minister Keir Starmer, for incompetence, he turns his attention to Donald Trump's appearance at the World Cup.

Trump is described as a 'tangerine scrotal sack' who gate-crashed the Spanish football team's celebration. The Archbishop humorously suggests that Trump should have been tackled and removed from the scene.

The article continues with the Archbishop's scathing commentary on various political figures, including Lucy Powell and Wes Streeting, accusing them of failing to uphold traditional Labour values and instead catering to arms manufacturers.

In the end, the Archbishop takes a jab at Andrew Tate, who, despite being in a high-security institution, still manages to maintain an online presence. The piece concludes with a humorous critique of Tate's choice of wardrobe.