Keir Starmer has performed one of his characteristic U-turns by walking back yesterday’s resignation, Downing Street has confirmed.

After a night of contemplation, the Prime Minister announced he is staying put, leaving Andy Burnham to pack his bags and return to Manchester.

Starmer declared, “If Starmerism is anything, it is making a hugely damaging announcement then changing your mind and ineffectively reversing it. Why would anyone be surprised? It’s what I do here.”

He stated his intent to hunker down and weather the political storm with his trademark stubbornness, even teasing a possible future promotion for Burnham.

“You seem too stunned with excitement to speak,” he quipped, before exiting to reflect on his infallible political instincts.

Voter Eleanor Shaw of Hereford commented, “And we’ll do just as we did when he went back on those previous decisions, and ignore it.”