THERE are plans to add ‘AI’ to the secondary school curriculum, but you’re probably wondering what exactly pupils will learn. Most likely these things:

How to write a prompt

Clumsily hammering a basic command into ChatGPT definitely isn’t piss-easy and requires its own academic subject. Students will learn important prompts such as ‘Do my work for me because I’m too f**king lazy’, and by the end of the course they'll be skilled enough to get AI to write their prompts for them.

How to create terrible art

Unlike actual art requiring skill, being an AI artist is currently a viable career path. There’s no shortage of small businesses that need terrible flyers to promote their services, and with minimal guidance students will be able to churn out slop in seconds. This will free them up to do more exciting things like smoking and getting drunk, just like real artists.

How to go along with the latest tech fad

The AI bubble could burst at any second, consigning the likes of Gemini to a handy but unexciting role like tumble dryers. A new tech fad is always just around the corner though, and blindly fawning over AI will give teens the transferable skills they need to worship it when it arrives. Make sure to pass GCSE Working On Elon’s Mars Colony, kids. It’s definitely happening next year.

How to outsource the most basic thinking

Until now, teens have been forced to grapple with obvious thoughts like ‘Do I need to take an umbrella if it’s raining?’ and ‘If I’m hungry does that mean I need to eat?’ With proper AI training, these dilemmas will be handled by a sycophantic computer instead. This surely won’t herald the end of intelligent life as we know it.

How to ignore the environmental impact

Young people’s brains are more elastic and open to learning. This means it will be easier for them to tune out the environmentally devastating amounts of water and energy needed to power data centres. Upon graduation they’ll be trained to recite bulletproof counterarguments such as ‘AI’s already here so get used to it’. Not from memory, obviously, they’ll need to ask ChatGPT.