After over two years of horror, trauma, and being held captive by forces that didn’t care about his well-being, one man has finally been able to celebrate the return of his freedom to scroll past stories about Gaza on Instagram without feeling a little bit guilty.

While the world celebrates Donald Trump waving around his ceremonial Sharpie to sign a ceasefire deal between Israel and Hamas, nobody is jumping for joy more than Glen Iris local Alistair Sturgeon, who says he knows firsthand what it felt like to have his rights taken away.

“It really is good that the hostages are free, because in a way I was also a hostage. To societal expectations,” said the 27-year-old full-time Letterboxd reviewer.

“For two years, everyone around me demanded that I keep up to date with the situation. That I know it’s called a war. Or not a war. Wait, no, a genocide? Fuck, I don’t know. I just wanted to watch clips of people taking shots to the nuts.”

Alistair says that, though he initially tried to remain a resistance fighter, the sheer number of people trying to inform him online eventually weighed him down and forced him to flee from his life of comfortable ignorance and TikTok brain rot.

“But now the hostages are out! And Trump said that there will be everlasting peace, and nothing could possibly go wrong again. So finally I can go back to the old days of not giving a shit, as opposed to pretending to give one,” Alistair said, with a sentiment shared by world leaders across all Western parts of the globe.