A World Cup semi-final is not the only situation Thomas Tuchel can stupidly fumble. Here he explains other activities he likes to screw up.

Organising a stag do: Strippers and a bar crawl? Too predictable. I prefer a trip to IKEA on a Sunday afternoon, followed by an argument over something trivial when the groom is trying to sleep. I’ll only invite his exes and keep everyone entertained by sleeping with his bride-to-be.

Parallel parking: Neatly parking is boring. I prefer to get 80% there, then reverse over the car behind, set fire to my vehicle, and walk away without leaving insurance details. The other cars were better and wanted it more.

Ordering a takeaway: Apps make it too easy. It’s better to call with a terrible signal and no idea what to order, then get annoyed when the delivery is late. The bad decision to only order spring rolls isn’t my fault.

Defusing a bomb: Why evacuate and call experts when you can put it in a suitcase and take it through airport security? They’ll surely appreciate the excitement.

Breaking up with someone: Forget gentle talks. I prefer dumping them midway through dinner, showing them my dating app matches, and hitting on the waitress. It sounds crazy, but it gets results. Tearful results.