THE assisted dying bill in Scotland has been defeated after a moving monologue on choosing life delivered by Edinburgh MSP Mark Renton.

The member for Edinburgh Southern stood up and urged Holyrood to choose life, choose a job, a career, a family, a television, assorted electronic consumer goods, and various other accoutrements of a fulfilled, meaningful existence in the modern day.

MSP Bill McKay said: “I wasn’t expecting much of a contribution from him, if I’m honest. He always seems a bit nihilistic and anti-authority.

“But when he stood up and delivered that speech, the whole chamber cheered. It actually began before he’d finished, which is a shame because it drowned out what I’m sure was a rousing and affirming end.

“It’s thanks to Mark, a fine example to the young, that we have rejected assisted dying and are sticking with the good traditional Scottish way of ending your life early with tablet, deep-fried Mars bars and alcoholism.

“He’s planning to address us next week on Scottish identity. I eagerly await what he has to say.”