Your Astrological Week Ahead for November 15th, with Psychic Bob

Aries, March 21st–April 19th: One day, Ryan Gosling will grow up and realise he is actually a beautiful swan.

Taurus, April 20th–May 20th: If the caravan’s-a-rocking, check it hasn’t become uncoupled again and isn’t pinballing its way down the M62.

Gemini, May 21st–June 21st: Epstein! Meet Jeff Epstein! He’s a modern sex-trafficking pimp! With pals! Don and Andy! And Bill Clinton dressed up as a gimp!

Cancer, June 22nd–July 22nd: An army of worms marches on its stomach.

Leo, July 23rd–August 22nd: Channel 5, on hearing Hitler did indeed have a single testicle and a micropenis, sighs, closes its weary eyes and commissions a documentary.

Virgo, August 23rd–September 22nd: Has it ever occurred to you that maybe swine love pearls? Miss Piggy certainly would.

Libra, September 23rd–October 22nd: My girlfriend doesn’t have a thigh gap. They’re just a single melded mass until the knee.

Scorpio, October 23rd–November 22nd: This week practice for your future career as a firefighter by putting out candles and then scaling up.

Sagittarius, November 22nd–December 21st: You’re British, so say ‘series’ not ‘season’. As in ‘I have no idea how to properly series food’.

Capricorn, December 22nd–January 19th: Be careful putting on your pyjamas. That’s usually the exact moment at which bricks start falling into swimming pools and need to be rescued.

Aquarius, January 20th–February 18th: So awkward when you meet a video game protagonist at a party and you never finished their story. ‘So, ah, how’s Hyrule these days, anyway?’ you hazard.

Pisces, February 19th–March 20th: God, the prices at Marks & Spencer. We should have just let the Nazis win.