Aries, March 21st–April 19th: Oh, so I shouldn’t have ‘no fatties’ on my Tinder. So it’s not crueller to give them hope.

Taurus, April 20th–May 20th: In space, no-one can hear you scream apart from Mission Control and several other concerned astronauts who are in the International Space Station with you.

Gemini, May 21st–June 21st: Hantavirus proves once and for all that the film about the rat who wanted to be a fancy chef was f**king irresponsible.

Cancer, June 22nd–July 22nd: Has this new Banksy statute fixed society yet? Damnit, maybe it’ll take another one.

Leo, July 23rd–August 22nd: In 1983, Boy George told Smash Hits! that he did not have a favourite colour. The resulting scandal shattered the world of pop music and forced him to become gay and do heroin.

Virgo, August 23rd–September 22nd: This week, pretend you’re a tourist in a foreign country by going for a wander through your local church in inappropriately short shorts.

Libra, September 23rd–October 22nd: When I’m remembering all those we lost in 2016, I like to include Sting among them. It comforts me.

Scorpio, October 23rd–November 22nd: Ocean overfishing has really made it hard to reassure your mates they’ll find someone else after a break up.

Sagittarius, November 22nd–December 21st: Inspired by the climax of Batman v Superman, I’m trying to get Israel and Iran to bond over not eating pork.

Capricorn, December 22nd–January 19th: Pull my finger. Not that hard! Great, now I’ve shit myself.

Aquarius, January 20th–February 18th: There’s nothing gay about eating a banana. Next you’ll be saying putting one in another man’s bum is gay!

Pisces, February 19th–March 20th: “Yeah, in the 1980s we used to keep a goldfish in a bowl on top of the telly, kind of as a back-up.”