Aries, March 21st–April 19th
The local amateur porn group is showing Emmanuelle at the village hall. £8 a ticket, snacks at interval.

Taurus, April 20th–May 20th
Moses: ‘God? Is that you as a burning bush?’ God, caught off guard: ‘Er, yes! With some, um, prophecies!’

Gemini, May 21st–June 21st
You can lead a horse to water, but lead 500, and it's a horse-stealing trial!

Cancer, June 22nd–July 22nd
Create a poignant six-word story by deleting all but five spaces in a longer story.

Leo, July 23rd–August 22nd
Men are from Mars, women from Venus. Non-binary folks? Right here on Earth.

Virgo, August 23rd–September 22nd
Polyamory makes 'seeing other people' a less effective breakup line.

Libra, September 23rd–October 22nd
“When I call your name, Gord, it’s like a prayer.”

Scorpio, October 23rd–November 22nd
Odd that we don’t say ‘hello stranger’ to actual strangers. It’s accurate!

Sagittarius, November 22nd–December 21st
Gangplank? More like a one-at-a-time plank.

Capricorn, December 22nd–January 19th
I’m mad as hell, ditching anti-rage meds. They’re rubbish!

Aquarius, January 20th–February 18th
If we leave the eight-year-old at Eton’s doorstep, they’d have to take him, right?

Pisces, February 19th–March 20th
Put a P plate on your car so everyone knows you’re a pervert.