Aries, March 21st–April 19th

“And check out my new two-hop craft beer, Dua Lipa’s Dual IPA.”

Taurus, April 20th–May 20th

'We have International Women’s Day, but when’s International Seagull Day?' asks the eccentric chap at the pub, sporting an orange beak and feet peeking from beneath his trench coat.

Gemini, May 21st–June 21st

Lost in the woods? Fear not, that's just the sweet sound of late 1980s jangle indie guiding you home.

Cancer, June 22nd–July 22nd

When I say 'no ONS' on dating profiles, I'm referring to those nerds at the Office for National Statistics, not one-night stands.

Leo, July 23rd–August 22nd

Imagine pop songs replacing 'hero' with 'heron': 'I'm holding out for a heron.' Time to ditch pop music and seek spiritual enlightenment.

Virgo, August 23rd–September 22nd

Your tree surgeon lost their license for performing unnecessary breast augmentation on a horse chestnut.

Libra, September 23rd–October 22nd

“Where we’re going, we don’t need roads!” quips the driver as Cecil Rhodes hops off for a scenic detour.

Scorpio, October 23rd–November 22nd

Your local sex workers are oddly offering an ALDI price match.

Sagittarius, November 22nd–December 21st

Finding humor in Zack Polanski's past as a fraudulent breast-enlarging hypnotist—difficult unless you lean right politically.

Capricorn, December 22nd–January 19th

Make my day by gifting me a delightful bouquet of chrysanthemums.

Aquarius, January 20th–February 18th

Remember to get a receipt when buying books—they might be defective!

Pisces, February 19th–March 20th

Many Tinder profiles feature guys with big fish; stand out by bringing yours on the date.