Aries, March 21st–April 19th
Any car is a self-driving car if you’re irresponsible enough.
Taurus, April 20th–May 20th
Diamonds are a girl’s best friend, but when you name them and accuse them of bitching about you, suddenly your husband is ‘concerned about you darling’.
Gemini, May 21st–June 21st
Let’s start bullying the left handed again. No idea why we stopped.
Cancer, June 22nd–July 22nd
‘Never go back to a lit firework,’ they told you, and you never have. Even decades later, you’ve never returned. Your parents and everyone you knew there must be dead by now.
Leo, July 23rd–August 22nd
Walk softly, but carry a big dick.
Virgo, August 23rd–September 22nd
Apparently there’s a shot of the Sycamore Gap tree in the new 28 Years Later. But a fast-moving zombie one.
Libra, September 23rd–October 22nd
“Misery loves company. And that, you manipulative bastard, is why I’m not attending gran’s funeral.”
Scorpio, October 23rd–November 22nd
This week, re-arrange your ‘live, laugh, love’ sign to show your vibe is more ‘evil, gulah, vole’.
Sagittarius, November 22nd–December 21st
Half The Beatles are dead. Half The Beatles are alive. It all depends on your outlook on life.
Capricorn, December 22nd–January 19th
“‘My dick authenticated like a Banksy, Pest Control’, a hip hop lyric suitable for grime artists. The bidding begins at £150, do I hear £150?”
Aquarius, January 20th–February 18th
As my grandmother once said in a time of trouble, ‘eat my fat grandson, not me’.
Pisces, February 19th–March 20th
Only two Father’s Day cards on the mantelpiece this year. Sad.
Source: The Daily Mash (UK)