Aries, March 21st–April 19th

‘Yeah, I said I was down for short kings, not short emperors,’ you say leaving Napoleon, rejected again, weeping silently into his greatcoat.

Taurus, April 20th–May 20th

My mother-in-law is impossible to please. We’ve tried eight vibrators with no results.

Gemini, May 21st–June 21st

“Why is the sky blue, Daddy?” “Look, when I asked you to call me ‘Daddy’ during sex I didn’t want you to do a whole character.”

Cancer, June 22nd–July 22nd

The rise of so-called AI pervert glasses has made you realize that in a real sense, all glasses are pervert glasses if they enable you to better see tits.

Leo, July 23rd–August 22nd

Even your Lego houseplants have died.

Virgo, August 23rd–September 22nd

Wearing a T-shirt usually reserved for sleeping in to go out of the house feels like pulling a grizzled old detective back from retirement for one last case.

Libra, September 23rd–October 22nd

Yet another local D&D group discovers you’re the guy who turns every adventure into an argument about whether male centaurs should have two dicks.

Scorpio, October 23rd–November 22nd

Want to improve your 5k time? Have you considered driving it?

Sagittarius, November 22nd–December 21st

“Now it’s time for Guess The Year here on Redditch and Bromsgrove FM! No clues, musical or otherwise. Get calling.”

Capricorn, December 22nd–January 19th

There are rumors that your memoir The Salt Bath is made up and in fact, you never even put Epsom salts in your bath.

Aquarius, January 20th–February 18th

Cross every T and poke every eye.

Pisces, February 19th–March 20th

“I’m giving up smoking? No, no! What I meant to say is I’m giving up, smokin’! You’re hot and I’m going to kill myself.”