SPORTS piracy is Britain’s favourite sport, with 3.6 billion streams last year. Which one are you watching illegally on the bus this weekend? 

Tom Booker, mixologist: “Partick Thistle vs Bayern Munich. So underground and illegal normies don’t even know it’s on.”

Helen Archer, wellness consultant: “Indiana Pacers vs New Orleans Pelicans because I’ve never seen pelicans play basketball. I bet they hide the ball in their bills.”

Susan Traherne, fencing instructor: “Illegal alpaca racing in the Andean highlands of Peru. Don’t know anything about it but I’ve put £3,500 on the one with the friendly face.”

Norman Steele, shoehorn salesman: “United vs City. The game’s on Sky Sports, yes, but not the round of soggy biscuit the players indulge in afterwards.”

Josh Gardner, lecturer: “Hartlepool United vs Altrincham on Dazn. What? That’s not illegal? Then why is the quality so incredibly f**king low?”