In a move that is sure to raise eyebrows and chuckles, the U.S. military has humorously announced a ban on men with traditionally feminine names from serving in combat roles. This includes names like Jamie, Sandy, and Alexis. According to the satirical report, having a name that sounds feminine could lead to confusion on the battlefield, impacting the military's effectiveness.

General Doug H. Sandoval, a fictional character in the article, argues that clarity is crucial during combat, and names like Casey or Ashley might cause hesitation that could prove costly. The light-hearted piece also suggests that servicemen with feminine names will be reassigned to noncombat roles, with pay adjustments based on the premise that they shouldn't be the primary earners anyway.

The article pokes fun at the idea by suggesting that exceptions will be made for names like Nicky, provided they're spelled with a 'y' instead of an 'i'. The satire continues with a fictional endorsement from President Trump and a mock outrage from veterans like Aubrey Hart, who humorously demand recognition for their service despite having 'girly' names.

In the spirit of satire, the piece concludes with a fictional critique from Senator Lindsey Graham, who calls the policy unfair and discriminatory, adding another layer of humor to this whimsical take on military regulations.