As the United States’ completely necessary war on Iran returns from a brief recess, so too does the opportunity for Australia’s petrol giants to offer up the everyday driver as a sacrifice to their shareholders’ Q1 profit margins.

With President Trump declaring to the world that the US would impose a 20% toll on all cargo shipped through the Strait of Hormuz, Australia’s oil executives declared with heavy hearts that petrol prices would increase accordingly, by 300%. "Whenever Trump says there’ll be a new tax, we’re helpless to do anything but start charging three bucks a litre. It’s simple math, any economist will tell you," said a Big Oil spokesperson. "This is a disaster. Truly the absolute last thing we could have wanted."

For more insight, Dr. Charlise Freidman, a senior economist from Adelaide’s School of Business, explained the equation used by gas companies to determine how much they charge at the bowser under these circumstances.

"When trying to determine petrol’s cost (C), we simply take the Ungodly profit shareholders want (Un), and divide it by whatever tariff, toll, or tax Trump is bullshitting (T), which gets us our CUNT value," Freidman explained.

"It’s really an incredible equation. Every time I fill up, I find myself looking at the price and think, ‘Yep, that’s some CUNT making the decisions there.’"