In a totally out-of-character backflip, President Trump announced that he'd ordered the entirety of the Epstein Files to be released, which we should all talk about for a bit.

Speaking from the White House briefing room, Trump declared that after months of Democrats shamelessly trying to cover up the truth, the millions of unredacted Epstein Files would finally be made public.

"I bet there are lots of big names in there you can find now, which will probably take you weeks to look at properly. Better get a move on and start focusing on that right away," the President said.

"Just like you always wanted, and like I always promised to give you with no hesitation whatsoever."

When asked if the release had anything to do with the US escalating strikes on Iran, the President condemned journalists for disrespecting Epstein's victims.

"Are we seriously still talking about Iran? That's a hoax invented by Biden and Obama. I've never even heard of Iran. Bill Clinton went to Iran 28 times. Look at the DOW. Charlie Kirk was killed by a trans-Somalian-fraud-voting-immigrant. Eggs. What were we talking about?" Trump effortlessly weaved.