Australian trade negotiators have offered EU countries the chance to use the term ‘goon’, in return for Australian producers being able to use the terms ‘Prosecco’ and ‘Champagne’. This special arrangement is part of a wide-reaching EU/Australia trade deal, unveiled this week.

The Australian delegation used the offer as a bargaining chip, arguing that goon held just as much cultural significance as the terms Prosecco, Champagne, or Bordeaux. "We’re willing to let European producers call cheap boxed wine by its proper name," an Australian spokesperson said.

The agreement includes strict geographic indicators, with producers in the French region of Champagne permitted to use the label “Sparkling Goon,” provided it is consumed warm in a public park and someone loudly insists it “actually tastes better this way”.

Other clauses in the agreement allow Australian sausage producers to continue to use the term kransky. In return, German producers will be allowed to use the terms ‘snag’ and ‘sanga’. Australia was unsuccessful in its bid to use the cheese terms ‘feta’ and ‘parmesan’, with European producers rejecting the offer to be able to use the term ‘coon’.

Australia also generously offered Italian producers the opportunity to use the term ‘parma’ when describing breaded chicken schnitzel topped with tomato sauce and melted cheese.