THERE’S a lot to do on a Tuesday – work, children, determinedly not drinking – and an inept eating-out costs valuable scrolling time. Use these tips and you’ll soon be accepting Best Simulated Orgasm with a tearful speech:

Go the extra mile

Actors get so f**king bored on set they invent endless backstory for their characters. Do the same. Prepare for your moment of ersatz glory by entering the headspace of a woman who comes far too easily so sex scenes are kept short enough for censors. Try not to be too jealous of this fake person who you call Brittany because that’s a slutty name.

Master restraint

More is not always more. Sometimes the most powerful feigned climaxes can reside in what is not screamed, gripped or slammed. Don’t overdo the aftermath. A simple moment of silence can speak volumes and requires little acting. The sooner he’s asleep, the sooner you can sneak a vape.

Use your entire instrument

There’s so much more to you than just a vagina and a head with too many thoughts in it to come. You have a body, with limbs that can flail, a voice that can shout ‘that’s it, there,’ when he’s nowhere near. Avoid encouraging back-pats, they come across as insincere.

Bring yourself to the character

Ground the performance in your true self to bring that touch of authenticity. If you’re moaning like a pornstar and telling him how big he is, he’ll get suspicious. Throw in the odd insult about the state of his bald spot to keep him grounded.

Go method

The wankiest of Oscar-winner – your Dustin Hoffmans, your Kate Winslets – stay in character day after day to live and breathe the role. You should live a life filled with genuine orgasms to literally nail this challenge. If another lover is necessary, do it. As Christian Bale would growl: commit.

Stay open to discovery

Great performances include spontaneous in-the-moment reactions, so be open to what emerges naturally. If it’s taking over yourself ffs, that’s great. Or who knows, perhaps you’ll be so in the moment you’ll come for real. The best actors are always open to happy accidents.