Signed up to Virgin Media and decided to leave because your broadband works only one day in three? It's as easy as following these six hundred steps:

Call Virgin Media, x100

Call, wait, get hung up on, and repeat. Eventually, pretend to upgrade to reach a human. Once you tell them you want to cancel, they put you on hold and hang up.

Say you would like to cancel, x150

Attempt to say "cancel," but get hung up on by the second syllable. Repeat until an operator finally listens to you, only to transfer you to another team that hangs up.

Repeat steps one and two, x232

Begin again, now intimately familiar with George Ezra's music. Eventually, due to an operator's mistake, you reach the cancellation team again.

Overcome incredulity, x78

The cancellation department is shocked you'd want to leave. They extol Virgin Media's virtues, doubt your decision, and then hang up while you consider.

Reaffirm your outlandish commitment to cancellation, x39

After countless hold sessions and fervent arguments against cancelling, you're finally allowed to cancel your account.

Freedom, x1

Pay the cancellation fee and wait through three months' notice. Your direct debits continue for months, and a missed call will soon sign you back up for another two years.