Waking up with a hangover that feels like liquid brain matter is oozing from my ears, I reflect on the latest week of British political affairs.

I was contacted by home secretary Shabana Mahmood who wanted advice on swearing in public life. I told her to ditch the weak language like 'jog on' and go straight for the jugular by telling opponents to 'fuck right off'. She took my advice, and I couldn't help but issue a statement expressing my disapproval of her cynically weaponizing foul language for reactionary ends.

Labour's poll numbers are slipping, with Keir Starmer criticizing 'plastic patriots'. I can't help but think he's as plastic as they come, draped in flags while ignoring the issue of the super-rich dodging taxes.

The BBC has been caught prominently displaying the Reform logo, violating bias rules. I argue that it's the most dangerous news outlet in the UK, creating figures like Nigel Farage while pretending to be impartial.

On the other side of the Atlantic, Donald Trump is causing chaos on social media about the Iran war. Instead of serious statements, he's firing off posts while gorging on McDonald's—it's as if the whole world, including his 'loyalists', are waiting for him to kick the bucket.

Finally, there's Palantir's Alex Karp, who feels like a modern-day Bond villain without the space battles. His manifesto on American power and AI surveillance sounds like something out of a dystopian film.