Why parachute a man from Manchester into Westminster when Angela Rayner is right there and ready to serve? For these perfectly understandable reasons:

Female leaders are very Tory: Voters might confuse our female leader with Tory women, leading to wrong votes. Tories believe anyone, regardless of gender, can slash public services, while a Labour woman giving out benefits seems too soft.

Leading Labour is very physical: It's not just speeches. The leader must carry a manifesto up stairs, shake hands, and nod thoughtfully. These skills are passed down like stonemasonry, leaving women lost.

Our voters are already progressive: Conservatives need women to cover up sexist policies. We already know what's good for women, having talked about them, written reports, and sometimes even listened to them.

She wouldn’t enjoy it: The first female Labour leader would face exhausting scrutiny. Better to spare her and let a middle-aged white man go unnoticed through Downing Street.

They don’t want the job: We asked three women MPs if they wanted to lead while Andy Burnham scowled. They focused on constituents, showing their selflessness. They lack the taste for betrayal, unlike Lady Macbeth.

We’re waiting for the right one: We'd love a female leader, but she must unite the party, appeal to all voters, never err, and balance ambition perfectly. The search continues.