AS a psychologist, I see many life-ruining sexual deviancies that began in childhood because parents delayed the opening of the Christmas presents. I shall enumerate them:

The desire to be spanked: To not be allowed to open Christmas presents until 5pm, and even then to open them one agonizing person at a time, is a punishment. This punishment from parents leads middle-class children to associate love with punishment, and can only be fulfilled sexually via spankings.

Dressing as a gimp: The mystery of a wrapped present consumes children, leading them to become fascinated with becoming a hidden present themselves as adults, often resulting in the donning of PVC gimp suits, particularly among those in the legal profession.

Finding fulfilment in findom: Findom, or financial domination, means giving away money you cannot afford online. Those who had to wait for gifts now give everything away for the same thrill they sought as children.

Frotting on public transport: Some become so obsessed with the wrapping that they wish it never came off, leading to inappropriate behavior on the Hammersmith & City line.

Becoming a Tory MP: Believing that being tortured by loved ones is normal and superior, some take this belief into politics, running as Conservatives to impose similar discipline on the public.

Autoanalingus: The frustration of waiting all day for gratification mirrors an obsession with the impossible act of licking one's own arse in adulthood, a truly unfortunate outcome.