Britain doesn’t mind being the victim of American cultural imperialism if it’s good stuff like The Wire. But some of their Christmas traditions are just too much for the average Brit.

Eggnog

You don’t put a raw egg in a glass of Prosecco, so why put it in this sickly Christmas drink that’s just sugary double cream? George Washington made his own eggnog, but he had wooden teeth. Coincidence? Unlikely.

Pardoning turkeys

Thanksgiving is the unofficial start of the festive season, and includes giving a ‘pardon’ to a turkey. The turkey has not been charged with any crime, denied legal representation, and has been incarcerated in a hellish turkey shed. The US justice system under Trump is blatantly corrupt.

The Christmas pickle

A pickle ornament is hidden on the tree and the first child to find it gets an extra present or ‘good fortune’. Why? To sell pickle ornaments, seems to be the answer.

S’mores

Short for ‘some more’, this treat involves putting melted marshmallows and chocolate on a sweet cracker. Americans think sticking together processed food products and chilling or heating them constitutes cordon bleu cookery.

Going to church but meaning it

Brits go to church at Christmas for tradition. Americans, however, believe God is closely watching over every family and supports their army in every war.

Candy canes

These mint-flavored Charlie Chaplin canes have no discernible connection to Christmas. Supposedly they symbolize a clergyman’s hooked staff, but that’s widely held to be bollocks.

Mashed potato

Mash belongs under sausages, on top of cottage pies, and inside fishcakes. It is not for Christmas, when crispy roast potatoes are the only choice. If Americans have any sense, they’ll beg to be taken back under colonial rule.