Justin Tanner, our retired food critic who believes everyone on 'The Traitors' is having a Strictly-style romance, shares his hospital ordeal after a varicose vein surgery. Expecting a bit of spoiling after 40 years of paying taxes, he found himself disappointed.

He was left on a trolley for hours, feeling like an abandoned shopping cart at Aldi, and was already starving. After ten hours, he finally got to the operating theatre, convinced they prioritized others on Starmer’s orders. Post-surgery, he was kept for observation due to his 'age,' which he found cheeky at just 62.

Expecting a full English breakfast, he got toast, fruit, yoghurt, and cereal instead, which he mockingly compared to a budgie's diet. He noted, not-so-subtly, that the ward's nurses were all brown, hinting at his views on immigration, but assured readers he's not racist.

The hospital meals, from dry toast to bland sandwiches, led him to jokingly suggest that the NHS meals are a survival challenge. His request for a McDonald's cheeseburger via the emergency buzzer didn't win him any friends among the nurses.

His dinner consisted of curry, baked potatoes, or cottage pie, which he humorously misunderstood as a cow's abode. The tasteless mush left him dreaming of Domino's pizzas.

Discharged by a foreign doctor, Justin was advised to avoid fatty foods and alcohol, advice he pretended to take as a 'practically teetotal vegan.' He blamed mass immigration for the NHS's state and fantasized about Nigel Farage fixing it with Brexit funds.