A bride notes that her new husband's claim of her making him a better person wasn't exactly a Herculean task.

Hannah Tomlinson, aged 31, confessed that turning 35-year-old Tom Logan's life around was as simple as getting him to invest in a shower curtain. She said, 'I appreciate him saying it, but then I did write the speech. Last night, 10pm, he was too pissed.'

'Transforming him from the unshaven bin rat I first met to this hottish rodent husband was easy. An electric toothbrush, gym membership, and a strict no PornHub at dinner policy improved him by 150%.'

She continued, 'The tough stuff – like teaching him Lynx Africa isn't air freshener, sell-by dates aren't conspiracies, and introducing him to cunnilingus – took a bit longer. But now, he's about two-thirds as good as me.'

Her secret? 'Love, positive reinforcement, and really low expectations. Also, marriage.'

As for Logan, he had a different speech in mind: 'I don't see why I had to have a speech. I was just going to tell the story of what happened to Simon in the titty bar in Riga.'