The Liberal Party embarked on a six-month soul-searching mission following a significant election defeat, only to conclude that no soul was present. The exercise, which involved party elders and external consultants, was thorough, leaving no stone unturned.

They searched through the policy basement and values drawer, only to find talking points from 1996 and an unfinished strategy titled 'How to Blame Immigrants For Everything.' Despite hopes to find a sliver of conviction to package as a belief system for the next election, they found nothing.

One insider noted, "It's not just missing. It's as if it never existed," highlighting the absence of a soul. The report suggested the party might develop a temporary soul using focus groups and generative AI. Nevertheless, the party remains committed to its core mission: connecting with its base, following Barnaby Joyce's lead, and resisting any change at all.