IRAN has countered the US 15-point peace plan with a single-point plan of its own, in which it does nothing and waits for its opponent to leave.

The plan is based on close observation of US wars in Iraq, Afghanistan and Vietnam where the invaded country found all it had to do was remain there indefinitely and US forces would not.

An Iranian spokesman said: “A single point seems well-suited to the current president’s attention span, provided he has someone to talk him through it.

“But the genius of our plan is that it does not require the agreement of both parties. It remains valid whether the US occupies Kharg Island, lands paratroopers or dispatches a crack Delta Force team to penetrate our bunkers. Whatever. You’ll f**k off eventually.

“In previous US adventurism, the plan would have been broken down into two parts: one, the US goes, two, the allies who fell for this being a long-term project with a proper outcome go. But there is no complication with allies on this one!

“We will continue to control the Strait of Hormuz because it runs along 100 miles of our coastline. We will not replace our government with a pro-Western one and if forced to we would change it back the moment you left.”

The US is expected to reject the peace plan entirely while tacitly accepting it in full, given time.