THE media has warned that if your vehicle is not already stuck at the back of a 22-mile traffic jam then it is too late and you have missed Christmas.

More than one and a half billion cars – twice the population of the UK, though less than a third of Trump’s BBC lawsuit – are already choking Britain’s roads, with traffic jams stretching from the M20 at Folkestone to the A838 at Cape Wrath.

Traffic co-ordinator Denys Finch Hatton said: “What do you mean you didn’t set off at 10pm last night? Don’t you like Christmas? You ‘have work’? Pathetic.

“It is too late now. Even if your parents live only five miles away, there’s no hope of you reaching them for Christmas Eve. You’re in on your own with a microwave meal for one, and not even a nice one. A prawn bhuna from the Oops!.

“If you’re in traffic currently, you’ve done it right. Stay strong. A mere 132 hours, depending on weather, and you’ll be home watching Christmas University Challenge in the bosom of your family and all those bottles you pissed in will be worth it.

“To those without vehicles, the trains are already full well beyond capacity and stranded unable to move. Remain on board, especially if you have a table seat, and await your Delay Repay bonanza.”

Motorist Wayne Hayes said: “I’m more than 300 yards away from my own house, and I’ve only heard Driving Home For Christmas 70 times so far. I love this time of year.”