In a shocking revelation, Hezbollah's leader has admitted that the group's survival hinges on the music of Kneecap, a band known for its unique blend of Irish-language hip-hop and political satire.

Despite possessing Fajr-3 rockets and financial backing from Iran, Hezbollah's future seems grim without Kneecap's chart-topping tracks like H.O.O.D. The recent legal troubles of band member Mo Chara, allegedly orchestrated by Mossad, have only heightened tensions. His release on bail is a temporary relief, allowing Kneecap to perform at Glastonbury, but a custodial sentence could devastate their contribution to Hezbollah's cause.

Beyond their role as a 'military asset,' Kneecap's song Get Your Brits Out has been a Lebanese chart-topper since 2019, inspiring young fans to don tricolour balaclavas in a bold fashion statement. However, fears of a Mossad assassination plot loom large, possibly involving poisoned party drugs or a dramatic raid reminiscent of the 1976 Entebbe operation.

As Kneecap's fate rests with divine intervention, Hezbollah hopes the UK government will cease its pursuit of the band to avoid looking foolish—a sentiment echoed by the leader's candid assertion that they already do.