Heads from all branches of Australia’s military and intelligence services have gathered together to celebrate the astronomical successes they’ve had in protecting the country from uni students with watermelon insignias.

A spokesperson for the Department of Home Affairs said the tactic had been “incredibly effective” at ensuring the nation remained safe from anyone holding a placard with glitter glue on it.

“Last week, we stopped a second-year politics major from holding up a cardboard sign that said ‘Ceasefire Now’ — just imagine the chaos if that had slipped through! Meanwhile, 150 men in black shirts shouting about racial purity went ahead without a hitch. Because let’s be real: the Arts student with a megaphone is the real threat here.”

Meanwhile, a high-ranking ASIO agent with 20 years of experience condemned the shocking scenes of violence at a protest on the weekend.

“It was just so depressing, ya know? To see all these kids have their minds warped by sketchy underground sources like The Guardian. Makes you wonder if there’s something we should be doing better as a nation,” he bemoaned. 

“But then I saw a group of people dressed in black chanting ‘Heil Australia,’ and I remembered there are people out there who need our protection. And that makes every gruesome arrest of a pink-haired 19-year-old who thinks we shouldn’t carpet bomb babies all worthwhile.”