The goal has been set: find the supposedly stolen phone of former Starmer aide Morgan McSweeney, end the current government and choose the next one. Here’s how:

Check police records

The Metropolitan Police, accused of favoritism, supposedly failed to investigate the theft properly, but a deep dive into their records might reveal a different story.

Find the culprit

McSweeney's tale of a 'balaclava-wearing man on a bike' sounds fishy, as does the notion of an Albanian gang swiftly exporting the phone out of the UK.

Trace the address

The phone was tracked to a house in Croydon, supposedly rented by a non-existent 'Jim Smith.' The real owner? A mysterious landlord with a foreign name.

Follow the money

This landlord is apparently an Indian national, part of a grand conspiracy involving Albania, India, and a plot for world domination.

Source the signal

A quick session with Find My iPhone suggests the phone is now in Shenzhen, China, implicating McSweeney and Starmer in a larger, sinister plot.

Secure the phone

Upon retrieving the device in China, it turns out to be full of cryptic messages in Spanish, proving nothing more than a confusing international adventure.