AGREED to the office Secret Santa and were handed an entirely unfamiliar name? And now you’ve got to buy them a present? Consider these cursory gifts:

Toilet golf: Mildly amusing but probably destined for the bin unless your colleague has a penchant for bathroom boredom and no phone. Fingers crossed!

A plastic elf that shits chocolate: A bit gross, unless your mystery colleague is into elf coprophilia. However, it might just be a hit with your slow-witted, crude-humored coworkers.

Bottle opener: Even if it's shaped like a Christmas tree, it's as basic as giving them 40 freezer bags. They might actually prefer the bags.

OnlyFans calendar: Seems perfect for any guy, featuring an attractive woman on the cover, but surprise! It's just desk fans inside. A joke too lame to hang, but still counts.

Large bar of Cadbury’s milk chocolate: Thoughtful for under five seconds, and just over the Secret Santa limit. Save even more by choosing a smaller bar and pocketing the difference.

Book of trivia: Surely there are some interesting facts in there? A quick skim might reveal otherwise, like the fun tidbit about harmonicas being top-sellers.

Candy machine: Imagine the joy of endless M&Ms at work, unless it's a quarter of the size and breaks instantly. It's the thought, or lack thereof, that counts.

Mousemat: A little something to remind them of their desk slavery. Choose a random theme like Miffy or Marvel, and hope for the best.

Bath bombs: Not from Lush, but a box of 24 from the market. They might not smell great, and cystitis could be a side effect. Good luck, Angela!

Rude Santa: Cheap figurines of a naked Santa with a cheeky twist. Perfect for the laddish guy in sales!